Sunday, April 09, 2006

The Problem Post Bag

A problem shared is a problem broadcast.

Our resident Agony Uncle, Marionna Frostyupp, answers your problems of a personal, sexual and unacceptable nature.

This week’s letter comes from Brenda, from Windsor:

Dear Marionna,

One is obsessed with Tupperware. My husband and I have been married for over 50 years and one has managed to hide this from Phil until recently. It has got to a point where one’s castles are now over-flowing with Tupperware and Phil has found out. He says he feels betrayed because one has kept this secret from him. What can one do to save one’s marriage?

OUR READERS REPLY:

Feelicity said:

You need to involve your husband with your Tupperware more. Although it may seem a little uncomfortable for him at first, introduce him gently to the different types of boxes…start with the sandwich box (the smallest one first), and then progress to the freezer boxes and then the salad drainers. These things just take time. You need to be patient with his natural resistance to this challenge to his masculinity.

Zsa Zsa said:

You should divorce him. If he doesn’t understand a woman’s need for Tupperware, then he isn’t worth having.

Marionna says:

OK Brenda – so that’s told you.

And so onto next week’s Problem Post Bag.

Readers are invited to offer their advice to Dave, a post-graduate student, studying in Central London who writes:

Dear Marionna,

I am currently feeling very embarrassed because I don’t know how to ex-foliate, and everyone else in my class does. It got even worse when we had a guest speaker from L’Oreal who gave me free samples to try out, and I’ve tried this stuff on my stubble every morning and it doesn’t work. I’ve had to revert back to shaving. I daren’t tell my classmates I’ve done this – and I’m terrified that they’ll find out. Please advise me – what can I do?

A selection of Readers’ replies to Dave’s letter will be published in next week’s Problem Post Bag.

Friday, April 07, 2006

This Bud's Not For You

According to an article in this week’s Marketing magazine, the Anheuser-Busch brewery will not be able to market its Budweiser brand at the football World Cup 2006 in Germany, even though it has paid $40m (£23m) to be one of the tournament’s sponsors.

The right to use the name ‘Budweiser’ in Germany is actually owned by the Czech brewer, Budweiser Budvar.

Germany doesn’t permit the use of the name ‘Bud’ on its own either, because of possible confusion with the Bit beer brand, brewed by the German brewer Bitburger.

The whole idea of sponsorship is to buy the rights to associate your brand with the event, invariably involving sole rights to advertise and distribute your product in and around event venues. Ambush marketing is where non-sponsoring companies try to get round these restrictions.

According to Marketing magazine, the American Budweiser will probably be marketed as Anheuser-Busch Bud during the tournament.

Now there’s a catchy brand name! Imagine trying to ask for that after a few pints.

“I’ll have an Anherrr...err, hic! Shorry I’ll try again”

“I’ll have an Amsherbrush…., no thash not it either, burp! Oopsh pardon me”

“Forget it – I’ll have a Becksh.”

Also, according to Marketing, Anheuser-Busch will probably permit Bitburger to sell its Bit brand of beer in the stadia, even though it’s not a sponsor of the tournament!

Now that’s what I call Am-Busch marketing.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Be The Face of McLitter

McDonald’s has just announced an exciting new promotion. The company is going to print selected customers’ pictures and a short story about them on its packaging.

All you have to do is submit a photo to Ronald online along with a few words about yourself. 25 lucky finger-lickin’ winners will then be taken to London to be shot. For more details and how to apply see here.

Your face, along with details of your sexual deviances, fantasies and any other bad habits, can then be strewn over a million pavements and people’s front gardens world wide; be left on hundreds of park benches, bus seats and Silverlink trains.

Your face will be remembered as a sign of our times.

Go on – Be The Face of McLitter.

Because You’re Worth It.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Blogging For Beginners

Here are some tried and tested techniques for those of you that are new to Blogging and not quite sure what to do:

You have just got your new Blog set up by a friend who knows how to do this (don’t try this yourself at home), and you are raring to put up your first Post.

Sign in to your Blog with your user ID and password.

Then go onto the Help section in Blogger and print out all the relevant pages on Profiles, Posting and Editing. You will need these instructions every time you use your Blog.

When you put in your profile information – complete every box – then follow the instructions from your Help printouts on how to publish it and There You Are.

Forget the photo bit – it’s too hard. Anyway – you want people to visit your Blog – you don’t want to frighten them off.

View your Complete Profile. You then see that your age is shown on your Blog - because you filled in your year of birth – it was optional – but the penny didn’t drop at the time.

Get out those Help printouts NOW!!! Go back in and edit your profile and republish your Blog to remove this incriminating information before anyone you know sees it.

Decide your topic for your first Post. Try to make it interesting. Be ambitious and include some links to websites and some pictures.

How to insert links and pictures:

First of all – remember – only 1 web site at a time can be accessed and viewed via the Internet – even if you have broadband.

Search Google for the type of items you’d like as your links. Once you’ve found one, get out pen and paper and write down the URL. Then close the page, go back to Google home page and put in your search criteria for your next link. Repeat the above process until you have a list on paper of all the URLs you want to link to. Don't forget to keep a note of what topic / keyword you want each to link to.

When you are ready to write your Post, follow the Help printout instructions for inserting links (it’s very easy). Get out your paper list of URLs and type them in very carefully in the appropriate places in your Post. The Internet is very unforgiving of typing mistakes.

To include pictures, graphic images etc. in your Post, first of all design your image free-hand in Powerpoint. Then save it as a .ppt (Powerpoint) file. You will find that Blogger doesn’t upload Powerpoint images, so you will need to print out your slide using your colour ink jet printer, then put it back into your computer using your scanner - which can save it as a jpeg. It will then be stored in Explorer for your easy retrieval.

Follow the Help instructions for uploading images. If, after uploading, you find that the image is too big, delete it from the Post in progress – go back to Explorer to find it again and then follow the Help instructions in MS Photo Editor on how to change the size (it takes a few goes to get the hang of this one). Re-upload / delete as many times as necessary until you get it right.

Once you have put in your text, your links and your pictures you are ready to Publish your Post. Follow the Help printouts – this is the easy bit.

Now sign out of your Blog and then exit Internet Explorer (or whatever browser you are using).

You should now be back on your desktop. Click back on to your browser, and access your Blog to check your Post. Check all the links – it is highly likely that some don’t work due to original transcription errors or typos when you were typing in the URLs.

Log back into Blogger to Edit the Post (see Help printouts). Once you are in Edit mode, save your Post as Draft (which is a new name). You can now delete the Post (before anyone sees it and what a mess you made of it) – and safely work on the Draft.

You will now find that you have lost the lot (including the Draft). You will have to start all over again and be more careful with your typing next time.

It will probably take you about 6 hours to do your Post. But don’t lose heart – you will soon get quicker at opening and closing websites, and more accurate at writing down the URLs and typing them in as links.

Blogging is a very rewarding hobby. Welcome to the online community.

Blogging is easy – if I can do it, anyone can!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Your Horror Scopes For April

What does your star sign say about you?

Our resident astrologer, Nigelia Lawless Reveals All.

Capricorn
The Goat: You like grass (who doesn’t?). And you are the horny one. More about Capricorn.

Aquarius
The Water Bearer: It is really gin in your water pitcher. You are the drunk of the star signs. More about Aquarius.

Pisces
The Fish: Your future growth will come from online sources. A fan club has been formed. More about Pisces.

Aries
The Ram: You are not the Beast of the zodiac. You are a party animal. More about Aries.

Taurus
The Bull: You are full of BS – literally. But it is very decorative. More about Taurus.

Gemini
The Twins: You are two sides of the same coin. Your two halves rub along together well. More about Gemini.

Cancer
The Crab: You are Crabby, Grumpy and Stumpy. And you have cloth ears. More about Cancer.

Leo
The Lion: You are just a plaything. Are you really the 9 inches that you claim to be? More about Leo.

Virgo
The Virgin: Your trains suck, and so does your haircut. More about Virgo.

Libra
The Scales: Balance and Justice. You are Judge Dredd. And you will become him. More about Libra.

Scorpio
The Scorpion: A life of mortal combat. And you have bad dress sense. More about Scorpio.

Sagittarius
The Archer: There is no beginning to your talents. The penis mightier than the sword. More about Sagittarius.